Mood Watch - 37

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been nineteen days since my last Mood Watch. Though actually, come to think of it, nineteen days isn't all that bad.

Hard on the heels of my last trip (to the Chicago area), I took another, this time to Vermont. I went there to be a presenter at a symposium, but I arrived on Friday, March 30, a couple of days before it began. Checked into a lovely bed and breakfast and spent most of the weekend with a friend of mine who showed me around the central part of the state.

Aside from four quick business trips to Boston, I'd never been to New England before, much less Vermont. Everyone I met apologized for the scenery -- it was "stick season": too late for the winter snow and too early for the green of spring and summer and the beauty of the turning leaves in autum. But I thought the state was just lovely: lots of rushing streams, quaint villages and small towns nestled between the shoulders of mountains. All in all, I had a lovely time.

The symposium was fun, too. It has that reputation -- the organizers brings in good speakers, install them at the Northfield Inn, and everyone gets pretty well acquainted, not just over the rich breakfasts but especially in the evenings, when everyone kicks back in the living room/dining room area, cracks open a beer (or six) and talks into the wee hours.

I boarded a flight home on Wednesday afternoon. It figured that after such an enjoyable six days I'd feel a bit of a letdown afterward, but I was surprised -- even shocked -- by how quickly the bottom dropped out of my mood. By the following day I felt so anxious and nearly faint that I had to cancel a class, something I hate to do. Things didn't improve for a full week. Then, as quickly as it hit, the depression lifted. To my mind, that's the very signature of a biochemically based depression.

My therapist, however, doesn't think so. For maybe a year now she's noticed how unhappy I am in my work environment (a lot of my colleagues feel the same way -- my department is undergoing a difficult transition period, for reasons no one quite understands). She thinks the department culture is complicit in the depressions. Initially I was skeptical about this theory, but over time I've become more convinced. Anyway, by the logic of her thesis, this recent depression came about not just because I was leaving a pleasant environment where I felt well regarded, but also because I was returning to one in which I often feel like a stick of furniture.

Be that as it may, now that I'm back to normal I'm sleeping a bit less than usual -- which tends to be my pattern. It isn't too extreme. I generally get at least five hours of uninterrupted sleep each night, and Saturday night I got about nine. But I didn't sleep at all Sunday night. I didn't feel drowsy, so mostly I just rested as best I could. I'll try to push through the day without a nap and go to bed at 9 or 10 p.m. That usually gets me back on a regular sleep schedule.

I had a nice experience the other day. In one of my classes a context emerged in which it was appropriate to say that I had bipolar disorder. The class had 240 students, which meant, statistically, that two or three of them already had bipolar disorder, or would be diagnosed with it at some point in the future. Sure enough, after class one student approached me to say that he too had bipolar disorder and he thanked me for being so up front about it. He keeps his condition private because of the stigma attached to it, but he could readily see that I'm so frank about it, in part, because it's a way to combat the stigma. When 240 students discover that a professor they like and respect is also someone coping with a serious bioaffective condition, it educates them, and the world moves a tiny bit closer to treating people like me the same as they would someone with a physical illness.

Mood Watch - 36

From about March 12 through March 21, I hit kind of a bad patch, but of the sort that illustrates the subtleties of bipolar disorder. The symptoms aren’t always the classic ones. During that period I was “down” most of the time, but the two principal features were hypersomnia and what I’ve heard a psychiatrist characterize as a “reduction in mental coordination.” By that phrase, he meant a marked decrease in one’s ability to do sustained creative work (like research and writing).

But in other respects I was okay. For instance, I continued to enjoy activities that I would ordinarily find pleasant; e.g., watching movies, spending time with friends, and working at the animal shelter.

If I can point to anything tangible that pulled me out of it, it was a trip this past weekend to the Chicago area, where I was one of the presenters at a conference. I found the experience energizing. I’m not sure if it was the conference or the travel: I often find that my mood improves when I’m on the road. But in any event the transition comes at a good time, since Spring Quarter has begun and I’ve got a busy schedule ahead.

Mood Watch - 35

A lot’s been going on of late, and most of it hasn’t been pleasant. But to the extent that I can detach circumstances from biochemistry, I think the biochemical aspect is still running smoothly. Most nights I get enough sleep (but not too much), my energy level is OK (but not too much), and if I feel miserable at times, it’s pretty much the way anyone in my position would feel miserable. The one nice thing in all this has been the way my friends have rallied around me. And anyway, it’s impossible to be miserable all the time. I still have a lot of good moments, too.

Mood Watch - 34

Still on an even keel. Tending to get up early and go to bed early, a routine I am coming increasingly to like.

I had an interesting experience last week with a woman who was a little freaked out to learn that I had bipolar disorder. The main reason was that she believed her father had had bipolar disorder, though he was never diagnosed, much less treated, and who created a very chaotic family environment. (Her assessment was retrospective and based on reading the DSM-IV criteria, which she said he fit in textbook fashion.)

At any rate, for a couple of days I engaged with her on the assumption that it might be a healing experience for her to be able to talk candidly and at length with someone who had bipolar disorder. She was still dubious about my claim to be able to manage the disorder effectively.

Then I discovered she’d been married three times, had once taken off on impulse with a man she described as a sociopath (and who bilked her out of thousands of dollars), and considered every relationship she’d had with a man to have been abusive. My therapist pointed out how chaotic was the life the woman had created for herself, and thought her skepticism about my ability to handle bipolar disorder was a classic case of projection.

And come to think of it, the people with the most confidence in my ability to handle the illness have been those with the highest degree of self-possession. It’s an interesting insight.

Mood Watch - 33

I’ve let too much time go by between entries, but generally speaking my mood has been on an even keel from a biochemical standpoint. Any alterations have been pretty clearly due to circumstances or, in one case, a sudden opening of ancient wounds that have yet to heal.

Since my last entry I met with an undergraduate who’d experienced a depressive spell and just wanted to talk it over with someone who’d been there. (Of course, a lot of people have been there; most just refuse to acknowledge the fact.) Anyway, I wound up playing Polonius and offering a lot of advice about forestalling depressions when possible and rolling with the punches when one does occur. Recently got an appreciative email. The student has actually implemented most of my suggestions, and says that they have helped.

Mood Watch - 32

Little or no change since the last Mood Watch post, except that I am back on a sleep schedule that runs from about 10-11 p.m. to 6-7 a.m.

Mood Watch - 31

Since my last Mood Watch post I’ve been feeling about as “normal” as I can imagine. Oddly enough, that’s been more or less despite new circumstances that might reasonably be expected to make me feel anxious or depressed. On the other hand, some of them have put me under increased pressure and even created a sort of crisis mode. I usually do well in such situations, probably because they characterized my early life. It’s when things are okay that I tend not to do as well.

I’m sleeping fine: getting roughly 6-7 hours per night. Although I’m generally a night owl, in recent days I’ve conked out around 7 p.m. and got up around 2 a.m. It’s actually almost an optimum schedule because I get a lot accomplished between 2 a.m. and 7 a.m.

I still get emails from people in trouble, most recently from a grad student who struggled last quarter with bipolar disorder and another individual who has recently been diagnosed with the disorder and feels a little freaked out by it. I get a lot of satisfaction out of being able to help.