Mood Watch - 36

From about March 12 through March 21, I hit kind of a bad patch, but of the sort that illustrates the subtleties of bipolar disorder. The symptoms aren’t always the classic ones. During that period I was “down” most of the time, but the two principal features were hypersomnia and what I’ve heard a psychiatrist characterize as a “reduction in mental coordination.” By that phrase, he meant a marked decrease in one’s ability to do sustained creative work (like research and writing).

But in other respects I was okay. For instance, I continued to enjoy activities that I would ordinarily find pleasant; e.g., watching movies, spending time with friends, and working at the animal shelter.

If I can point to anything tangible that pulled me out of it, it was a trip this past weekend to the Chicago area, where I was one of the presenters at a conference. I found the experience energizing. I’m not sure if it was the conference or the travel: I often find that my mood improves when I’m on the road. But in any event the transition comes at a good time, since Spring Quarter has begun and I’ve got a busy schedule ahead.

Mood Watch - 35

A lot’s been going on of late, and most of it hasn’t been pleasant. But to the extent that I can detach circumstances from biochemistry, I think the biochemical aspect is still running smoothly. Most nights I get enough sleep (but not too much), my energy level is OK (but not too much), and if I feel miserable at times, it’s pretty much the way anyone in my position would feel miserable. The one nice thing in all this has been the way my friends have rallied around me. And anyway, it’s impossible to be miserable all the time. I still have a lot of good moments, too.

Mood Watch - 34

Still on an even keel. Tending to get up early and go to bed early, a routine I am coming increasingly to like.

I had an interesting experience last week with a woman who was a little freaked out to learn that I had bipolar disorder. The main reason was that she believed her father had had bipolar disorder, though he was never diagnosed, much less treated, and who created a very chaotic family environment. (Her assessment was retrospective and based on reading the DSM-IV criteria, which she said he fit in textbook fashion.)

At any rate, for a couple of days I engaged with her on the assumption that it might be a healing experience for her to be able to talk candidly and at length with someone who had bipolar disorder. She was still dubious about my claim to be able to manage the disorder effectively.

Then I discovered she’d been married three times, had once taken off on impulse with a man she described as a sociopath (and who bilked her out of thousands of dollars), and considered every relationship she’d had with a man to have been abusive. My therapist pointed out how chaotic was the life the woman had created for herself, and thought her skepticism about my ability to handle bipolar disorder was a classic case of projection.

And come to think of it, the people with the most confidence in my ability to handle the illness have been those with the highest degree of self-possession. It’s an interesting insight.

Mood Watch - 33

I’ve let too much time go by between entries, but generally speaking my mood has been on an even keel from a biochemical standpoint. Any alterations have been pretty clearly due to circumstances or, in one case, a sudden opening of ancient wounds that have yet to heal.

Since my last entry I met with an undergraduate who’d experienced a depressive spell and just wanted to talk it over with someone who’d been there. (Of course, a lot of people have been there; most just refuse to acknowledge the fact.) Anyway, I wound up playing Polonius and offering a lot of advice about forestalling depressions when possible and rolling with the punches when one does occur. Recently got an appreciative email. The student has actually implemented most of my suggestions, and says that they have helped.

Mood Watch - 32

Little or no change since the last Mood Watch post, except that I am back on a sleep schedule that runs from about 10-11 p.m. to 6-7 a.m.

Mood Watch - 31

Since my last Mood Watch post I’ve been feeling about as “normal” as I can imagine. Oddly enough, that’s been more or less despite new circumstances that might reasonably be expected to make me feel anxious or depressed. On the other hand, some of them have put me under increased pressure and even created a sort of crisis mode. I usually do well in such situations, probably because they characterized my early life. It’s when things are okay that I tend not to do as well.

I’m sleeping fine: getting roughly 6-7 hours per night. Although I’m generally a night owl, in recent days I’ve conked out around 7 p.m. and got up around 2 a.m. It’s actually almost an optimum schedule because I get a lot accomplished between 2 a.m. and 7 a.m.

I still get emails from people in trouble, most recently from a grad student who struggled last quarter with bipolar disorder and another individual who has recently been diagnosed with the disorder and feels a little freaked out by it. I get a lot of satisfaction out of being able to help.

Mood Watch - 30

I was on the road for much of December and had neither the time nor inclination to post much on this blog. But I suppose I’m overdue for an update on the status of my biochemistry.

As far as I can tell, I’ve been on a pretty even keel since my last Mood Watch post, except that from December 10 through December 26 I tended to sleep more than usual and often had real trouble waking up, almost as if I were drugged (which, aside from the usual depakote and lamictal, I wasn’t). This was all the more surprising because for most of that time I was in the company of good friends and was doing work I enjoy. And besides that, as a general rule I have always tended to sleep less than usual when traveling. Yet at no point did I feel depressed.

The most I can say is that now and again I wished, as I often do, that I didn’t have to fool with this stuff. I mean, I’m appreciative of the fact that as mood disorders go, mine is comparatively mild; also that life holds far more severe challenges. But I mean, jeez, this has really gotten old. Bipolar disorder once had the virtue of at least being interesting. Not any more.