How Do We Forgive Our Fathers?

A few weeks before her birth I began keeping a journal for my daughter Chloe, intended for her to read when she turns 18. This is a portion of the entry for October 15, 2012, the day after she had her first birthday party:

When I met your mother, the film that until recently had meant the most to her was “Smoke Signals,” about two young Native Americans who go in search of the father of one of them, an alcoholic with a terrible secret that had caused him to abandon his family years before. At the end of the film one of the character speaks, voiceover, a poem by Dick Lourie:

How do we forgive our Fathers?
Maybe in a dream
Do we forgive our Fathers for leaving us too often or forever
when we were little?
Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage
or making us nervous
because there never seemed to be any rage there at all.
Do we forgive our Fathers for marrying or not marrying our Mothers?
For Divorcing or not divorcing our Mothers?
And shall we forgive them for their excesses of warmth or coldness?
Shall we forgive them for pushing or leaning
for shutting doors
for speaking through walls
or never speaking
or never being silent?
Do we forgive our Fathers in our age or in theirs
or in their deaths
saying it to them or not saying it?
If we forgive our Fathers what is left?

I am sobbing as I write this because the poem is heart-breaking. I think of the troubled relationship I had with my own father but mostly I think of you. What will you need to forgive me for? Whatever it is, please know that I am sorry. I love you so much. I wish I could be perfect for you, and I know that, as hard as I try, I can’t.